


How Now, Brown Monkey

by Liadt



Category: The Shadow of the Tower, The Ten Stupidest Things I've Heard Since Richard III's Remains Were Identified (Blog Post)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-02 13:44:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5250344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liadt/pseuds/Liadt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why does Henry have a monkey from an, as yet, undiscovered continent?</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Now, Brown Monkey

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lost_spook](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_spook/gifts).



> Plus some extra stupid things that are in the comments of the blog post.

From behind an oversized tapestry hung on the wall, a man and a woman shuffled out into a small, well-lit room. They were wrapped up in large, bulky cloaks to cover the twenty-first century clothes they wore. In front of them, Henry sat at a small table. He paid the visitors no heed and continued writing on a sheet of paper.

The man in the cloak coughed discreetly. “Your majesty.”

“Ah, George, Isabella, you’ve returned to us,” said Henry, looking up.

The pair bowed in greeting to their king.

“What is that?” asked Henry, pointing at George. On his shoulder, an animal crouched. “Have you brought some kind of demon with you?”

George reached a hand to his shoulder. “No, my lord, it is a type of monkey. It is a creature from an exotic land not known in these times. I keep it as a pet.”

“A pet? As it is not a familiar, I would like this monkey for my own.” Henry stretched out his arm and waited for George to come over. George dared not disobey; he took the monkey to Henry and it ran up Henry’s arm to cosy up to him. Henry was delighted by the animal’s behaviour. George was less pleased and gave Isabelle a pained glance. 

Isabelle whispered out of the side of her mouth. “He’ll soon get bored. Remember Candy Crush?”

Henry tickled the monkey under the chin and it closed its eyes in pleasure. George’s face hardened. When he had first acquired the creature, it had taken him over a month before he could touch it without being bitten. He now knew what it felt like to be betrayed. No wonder royalty acted so violently when their friends turned traitor.

“Does the creature have a name?” asked Henry.

“Beyonce, my lord,” answered George.

“Beyonce? 'Tis a strange name. No doubt, you will inform me, in the future it is as common a name as Katherine. Nevertheless, I am not sure that I won’t change it.”

Isabelle whispered into George’s ear again. “If all else fails I’ll send a message to Sir Gerald to set up a misfit with a silly name as another pretender. His majesty will be too busy throwing him into the tower to play with exotic pets.”

“But to business - you haven’t come to solely gift me with unusual beasts have you?” said Henry.

“No, your majesty. We have good news for you,” said Isabelle. “The osteopath - the bone doctor has carried out your wishes and tampered with the bones of Richard III to prove he was indeed a crookback.”

Henry clapped his hands together in joy. “Excellent!” 

“The legions of popular novelists filling their romances with descriptions of Richard’s sad, soulful eyes, his handsome face and well made body will be thoroughly discredited. No longer shall whole chapters be dedicated to describing your Queen’s pining for her perfect Uncle Dickon,” said Isabelle.

Henry frowned. “I would have thought my granddaughter’s playwright would have prevented such folly in the first place. It is of no matter. Will the writers be burnt at the stake for writing misleading works?”

“They are regularly flamed on the internet,” Isabelle informed him.

“A device of torture?” asked Henry.

“It can be used in that way,” said George. He recalled the time he accidentally uploaded a compromising video of himself and not one of his kittens falling asleep. When he realised his mistake and went to delete it, to make matters worse, his internet connection had cut out. For three whole days. To his mind, a session on the rack was preferable. 

To the side of Isabella and George came a polite cough and George felt an elbow in his ribs. Two men in contemporary dress had come out from behind the wall hanging. 

Henry waved his hand dismissively. “If you have nothing more to tell me, you can depart back to the future to ensure the reconstruction of Richard’s face is less comely than mine. If you do so you will be richly rewarded. He was never better looking than me - never!”

“No, your majesty,” chorused the commoners.

George and Isabelle then bowed deeply and disappeared under the tapestry. Henry turned his attention to the newcomers. “How now, Giuseppe, Hans, how goes the bribing of papal inspectors?”


End file.
